If you aren't plugged into the American news cycle, allow me to introduce you to the next big thing:
Testicular tanning.
The internet is going nuts over nuts thanks to an upcoming episode of Tucker Carlson Originals (a show I neither knew existed nor wanted to know existed) entitled “The End of Men.” It’s about declining testosterone levels in men and the horrific impact this has had (and will have) on civilization. Otherwise said, men aren’t men anymore and, as a result, the world is falling apart.
The trailer for the episode features men doing manly things. Men are doing push-ups. Men are milking cows. Men are shooting guns. Men are cooking meat on a grill. Men are wrestling other men. Men are chopping wood. Men are flipping tires. Men are drinking raw eggs. Men are standing naked on rock formations with their arms outstretched to the sky while an oversized thermometer scorches their genitals with a bright red light.
I already have more hair on my chest.
If you’re a fan of comedy, you can find the trailer on your own dime and give it a watch. During your travels, you’re bound to find a clip of Carlson interviewing Andrew McGovern, a personal trainer at a gym in Ohio. The conversation is about increasing testosterone.
“Expose yourself to red-light therapy…” says McGovern.
“Which is testicle tanning?” asks Carlson.
“It’s testicle tanning, but it’s also full-body red-light therapy, which has a massive amount of benefits,” says McGovern.
According to many qualified medical professionals (and most people not named McGovern), there’s no scientific evidence suggesting red-light therapy increases your testosterone. You know what they say, though. Science is always behind. The cutting-edge stuff hasn’t had a chance to be studied. In the 1800s, Ignaz Semmelweis theorized a high number of mothers were dying during childbirth because doctors didn’t wash their hands. They’d be elbows deep in cadaver intestines one minute and, without getting rid of the undead phlegm caked between their fingers, delivering a baby the next minute.
Back then, everyone thought diseases spread through smells. Even Semmelweis’ handwashing was motivated by scent. He wanted his medical students and junior physicians to wash their hands in a chlorinated lime solution until their hands didn’t smell like the corpse of a raccoon that was run over by a 2021 Chevrolet Suburban on the most humid day of the year.
Even though Semmelweis was able to greatly decrease mortality rates with handwashing, other doctors didn’t accept his theory. They kept shoving their Nickelodeon-slimed hands into other human’s holes. The grim reaper had so much fun watching humanity's hubris he ran out of popcorn.
Way to go “science.”
I’m all for testicular tanning.
Here's why:
First,
Carlson’s cronies probably won’t dig beyond the “testicular tanning” headline. They won’t know Carlson was giving red-light therapy a playful name. They’ll kick back on their Adirondack chairs with their scrotums facing the sky, thinking they’re tripling their testosterone, when, at best, they’re headed towards the gnarliest sunburn I can imagine having.
Second,
There’s something hilarious about a guy sunbathing to become more #alpha.
Third,
One has to consider infertility a possible consequence of nuking your nutsack, which means Gullible Joes will ruin their ability to reproduce. This is the sort of eugenics I can get behind.
Fourth,
Even if grilling your family jewels did increase your testosterone levels, your demeanor probably wouldn’t change. According to Dr. Robert Sapolsky, when you’re an adult, your behavior is driven by social learning more than testosterone levels. In other words, increasing an adult's testosterone levels won’t turn a #beta into an #alpha.
Granted, increasing your testosterone levels would probably make it easier to lose fat and build muscle. If that’s what you’re after, you can cut glory holes into all of your lower-body garments and hope for the best… or you can just do the stuff that’s worked for over 100 years. Stuff like this.
May the Gains be with you,
Ant