Imagine biting into a raw chicken breast.
What would it taste like? Chicken is often referenced when discussing the taste of obscure meats. You know, this deep-fried alligator tastes like chicken! Would raw chicken taste like chicken? (For the record, I think alligator tastes like chicken as much as Skittles taste like M&M's.)
What would it feel like in your mouth? It’d have to feel slippery, right? Smooth, too. Your tongue would glide across it gracefully, like a blade on ice.
How many hours would you spend on the toilet after eating it, ejecting a rainbow of intestinal stew from every orifice you own, your body squeezing every last drop of salmonella from itself? Days? Weeks? Would you even survive?
Recently, I’ve thought a lot about eating raw meat. I blame @rawmeatexperiment. His feed is mostly videos of himself eating raw meat. And not just steak tartare and ceviche. He eats livers, brains, and testicles. He eats octopus arms (suction cups and all) and cow kidneys. Chicken breasts, too.
When I was in elementary school, a visitor talked to us about the dangers of eating undercooked meat. We were given a magnet to take home and put on our fridges. There was a hamburger guy on it. His name was Browny the Burger. His slogan was: If it’s pink in the middle, it’s cooked too little!
@rawmeatexperiment probably didn't get a visit from Browny the Burger, but he’s aware of the “dangers” associated with raw meat, which is evident by his account’s (perfect) bio: “Eating raw meat at Whole Foods every day until I die from bacteria.”
He has yet to get sick.
He’s 110 days into his experiment, which began from a belief that the cooking process destroys many of the beneficial vitamins, nutrients, and enzymes in our foods. Unlike other internet personalities tearing into mystery meat, @rawmeatexperiment doesn’t (seem to) have an agenda.
When I look at Liver King, my brain sees a publicity stunt. For the inundated, the Liver King is a massive guy who recently went viral because he was able to convince imbeciles his physique is a byproduct of eating bull balls, throwing spears, and living an ancestral lifestyle (while simultaneously owning a mansion).
Here’s what you need to know about Liver King:
He owns a supplement company.
I don’t know what I smell when I stand downwind of Liver King, but know I don’t like it. I don’t get a whiff of anything downwind of @rawmeatexperiment, which is why I can’t stop thinking about eating raw meat and how much better I’ll feel once I start eating the livers and hearts of four-legged livestock.
Who knows…
Maybe eating organ meat will stop my autoimmune condition (morphea) in its tracks. Maybe Dr. Saladino is right. Maybe my absurd cabbage consumption is killing me; my body is drowning in defense chemicals. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH MY GUT MICROBIOME AND WHY DO I SUDDENLY CARE ABOUT THE BACTERIA INSIDE MY BODY?
I’m not ready.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.
Eating raw meat isn’t as easy as eating raw meat.
Quality is important. You probably shouldn’t drink raw milk from cows confined to stables no wider than their shoulders, forced to stand in their own waste. How do you ensure quality?
I’m not sure.
Money is important. Raw milk is thrice the price of “regular” milk. I shop at Aldi. I eat canned tuna and sauerkraut for lunch. Can I afford to eat raw meat regularly?
I’m not sure.
Freshness is important. Should raw fish smell like fish? How long can buffalo liver last in your fridge before it becomes a scud missile of salmonella?
I’m not sure.
Much to learn, I still have…
As much as I want to cite ignorance for my hesitation, I think confirmation bias is my actual chastity belt.
There’s an episode of Parts Unknown where Anthony Bourdain goes to Tanzania and hangs out with the Maasai. The Maasai kill goats by suffocation, to keep the blood in the chest cavity. Blood is a vital component of the Maasai diet. They eat mostly meat.
Anthony kills a goat with the Maasai. He drinks the goat’s blood. He eats the goat’s kidney. This seems like the way to go. Eating raw meat so fresh it’s warm. Eating something you met face to face. Something that can haunt your dreams.
There's a leap year between this and eating a cold slab of cow sold at your local supermarket, and, right now, my brain can't bridge the gap.
I don't plan on doing a raw-meat experiment of my own anytime soon. (If I do, you'll see it here first.) If anything, I'll start with raw dairy: milk, yogurt, and cheese. Even then, I think I'll still air fry my chicken until it’s nice and crunchy (and carcinogenic).
May the Gains be with you,
Ant