I have some bad news about your genetics, Cupcake. You knew this was coming. You’ve looked in the mirror before, baffled by your reflection. You are puny and pudgy. You are flimsy and flabby. You are doughy and dilapidated. God must be Emeril Lagasse. That’s the only way two clashing ingredients could’ve ended up in the [...]
I have some bad news about your genetics, Cupcake. You knew this was coming. You've looked in the mirror before, baffled by your reflection.
You are puny and pudgy.
You are flimsy and flabby.
You are doughy and dilapidated.
God must be Emeril Lagasse. That's the only way two clashing ingredients could've ended up in the same physiological soup.
Before you donate your body to a circus sideshow, there's something you should know about your genetics. Your parents screwed you. They could have done you a kindness and given you Down syndrome or Huntington's disease.
But, noOooOoOOo.
Your mom went ahead and squished out an able bodied human fully capable of being not skinny-fat.
That's right, Cupcake.
Skinny-fat syndrome isn't like your eye color. Your eye color is genetically determined. You can't change it. You don’t have the midi-chlorians. These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Move along now.
Fortunately, you do have the midi-chlorians necessary to “undo” skinny-fat syndrome. (Or, perhaps, unfortunately, if you were looking for a reason to kick back and pound Pringles.) Because skinny-fat syndrome is nothing more than a distinguished physical appearance stemming from a lack of muscle mass and an excess of body fat.
In other words:
Skinny-fat syndrome is more normal than millennial anxiety.
You see someone without a shirt and say, “You look skinny-fat.” Just like when you see someone with bangs and say, “You have an awful haircut.”
If you don't want to feel and appear skinny-fat, you need to lose fat and build muscle. That's all. And your genetics aren't stopping you from doing either.
Granted, you probably don't have the best genetics for said pursuits. I once heard the Chinese determine which kids are predisposed for Olympic weightlifting success based on the shape of their jaw
THE. SHAPE. OF. THEIR. JAW.
Rare be the day you find a skinny-fat dude with a square jaw and thick(er) bone structure. I don't have a hulk jaw. I have a smaller bone structure. I'm a 6'4″ lanky mess. I can wrap my hand around my wrist and touch pinky finger to thumb.
If you're in a similar situation, you probably shouldn't take out a second mortgage on your home and try to become a professional bodybuilder. Have some self-awareness. But, at the same time, realize there's a big difference between becoming a pro bodybuilder and becoming lean and muscular.
You have everything you need, physically, to build a respectable physique. If you don't believe me, perhaps your brain (not your body) is to blame for your skinny-fat appearance. Maybe you slid the wrong scapegoat into your pocket.
You brought tissues and a shotgun, right? Good. Use the shotgun and shoot your scapegoat(s). You'll need the tissues for when you realize you have no one to blame for your skinny-fat physique but yourself… except your parents, for not aborting you.
If they would have made better decisions, you wouldn't have had to deal with any of this. Didn't happen that way though. You're here. And you need to stop blaming your sub-atomic particles for your physical appearance.
It's not a good look.
Worse than a skinny-fat one, if you ask me…
Especially if your fingers are covered in dust à la Doritos and you've done nothing but Ben Bruno inspired side planks for the past six months.
May the Gains be with you,
Ant