“What are some healthy snacks?” Bad answer: Granola. You think sugar-coated clumps of carbohydrates are healthy? Think again. Better yet, stop thinking. It’s not working out for you. Good answer: Celery. I didn’t say anything about peanut butter. Or cream cheese. I’m talking about raw celery. It should taste like you’re eating Styrofoam that’s been [...]
“What are some healthy snacks?”
Bad answer:
Granola.
You think sugar-coated clumps of carbohydrates are healthy? Think again. Better yet, stop thinking. It's not working out for you.
Good answer:
Celery.
I didn't say anything about peanut butter. Or cream cheese. I'm talking about raw celery. It should taste like you're eating Styrofoam that's been marinating in a bucket of dishwater, topsoil, and moss.
Best answer:
Nothing.
Because snacking is stupid.
Snacking is impulsive (unplanned) eating. If you eat a banana at 2PM every single day, that’s a meal. Not a snack. Food quantity has nothing to do with snacking.
The snacking thought process:
I sense hunger within, so I need to shove something into my face hole right now. If I don't, I'll starve. My body is running out of energy. I need to refuel.
Stop.
Hunger doesn't say, “Eat immediately.”
Hunger says, “Eat eventually.”
You can survive for roughly three weeks without eating ANY food. Three weeks. Weeks. WEEKS. (Assuming you don't have any metabolic conditions, like type I diabetes.)
You don't NEED to eat the instant you feel hungry. In fact, in today's world, you SHOULDN'T eat the instant hunger strikes because…
Experienced hunger isn't always real hunger.
You're hungrier now than you were one minute ago, thanks to my sorcery. But are you really hungrier? Or are you just having a bottle-rocket reaction to an external input?
Are you experiencing genuine physiological hunger?
Probably not.
Don't tell me you're “listening to your body,” either. Because you aren't. Punch this to find out why.
Your body is saying, “I'm hungry.” It's not saying, “Scavenge the vending machine for Honey Buns and Funyuns.”
This isn't prehistoric times. You aren't going to starve. Food is hyper available. If anything, in today's world, hunger is something to embrace. It’s a sign that you’re digesting and processing your food. It’s a sign that you’re not consistently overfed.
The REAL challenge in today's world ISN'T avoiding starvation. The REAL challenge is avoiding Pizza the Hutt syndrome and eating yourself to death (type 2 diabetes).
The world would be a better place if we rebranded snacking.
Snacking is rape.
Because eating immediately upon feeling hungry is the same as acting immediately upon feeling horny. You see someone you’re attracted to, and you either (a) sexually assault the person, or (b) masturbate in public.
Don't get soft on me.
In nature, 95.7% of the time, sex is rape. Go to a dog park. You'll see it in action. Male dogs casually mount female dogs. People chuckle and apologize. “I'm SO sorry. Bruno has been watching House of Cards. He wants to be just like Kevin Spacey when he grows up.”
We've suppressed our rapist tenancies for the greater good. We know that missing out on sex now doesn't mean missing out on sex forever. Likewise, you (should) know that being hungry now doesn't mean being hungry forever. You will eat, eventually. You don't have to immediately satisfy your urges.
I'm testing you.
Don't snack.
Unless you rape.
May the Gains be with you,
Ant
ps
Do not do a Google image search for “food porn gifs” unless you have SafeSearch enabled. I am ruined.
pps
This is particularly relevant.
