Who hurt you?
You're skeptical.
Understandable.
(It took me ten years to propose to my wife.)
You shouldn't trust me.
My Instagram account isn’t suffocated with shirtless selfies taken from a yacht overflowing with barely-legal blonds in bikinis.
If this is a turnoff, leave now and find the nearest guy that created his own pre-workout supplement because the others on the market gave him jitters and he decided to make a “better one” (even though he flunked high-school chemistry).
This same guy won't be shy to say toned and defined abs will guarantee success in every aspect of your life. Like, once you get six-pack pixelated, you'll finally find your soulmate — the person that wouldn’t have been interested in you before you lost weight because the only thing you had going for you back then was your personality.
Things are a little different around here.
I’m trying to build an unbreakable aerodynamic x-shaped body. Here are some appetizers:
↓
1 / I eat two meals daily and lose fat effortlessly (when I’m not drinking more beer than a hobbit). My diet is built to bend (not break) around my social life, so I can eat and enjoy my favorite foods (cheese danishes are up there) in moderation whenever I want.
2 / I do barbell and bodyweight training to build muscle and get externally strong, so I can properly recycle my father's 40″ flat-screen CRT TV when he decides to let go of the past.
3 / I do joint-specific mobilizations and “stretch-strong” exercises to make my body bendy and bulletproof, like a tongue (unlike yoga and the gamut of snooze-stretching techniques that can make you more susceptible to injury).
4 / I get pantsdrunk because trying to become the best version of yourself is a pursuit best reserved for self-absorbed twats.
5 / Melted cheese is an abomination. Cheese should always be served cold. Even on nachos. Especially on nachos. (Exceptions will be made for burnt cheese.)
↓
If you want more hot takes on cold cheese and earnest dispatches about building an athletic x-physique that feels better than butter on a hot biscuit (served along hefty portions of snark and cynicism), then you should get PEDs.
No, not drugs.
Dregs.
Performance Enhancing Dregs.
(The name of my email newsletter.)
It's free. For now. (It's also subterfuge, but I'm hoping you don't know what that means.) At least one email every week. Sometimes more. Don’t miss out. Or do. I don’t care.