The rainwater is toxic.
Even in Antarctica.
Deemed unsafe to drink.
Two years ago, we tossed my son into the snow for the first time in his barely-there existence. He scooped a handful of the stuff into his mitten and sucked it down as if it were a sugar-stuffed snowcone. We put an end to his frozen feast before he needed to unbuckle his belt, knowing he'd soon shove a handful of dirt into his mouth.
Guess we should have worried more about the snow.
The substances making rainwater unsafe to drink are in other places, too. Like our tap water. And our clothes. And our food. And our blood. They're even in breast milk and the umbilical cords feeding yet-to-be-born babies.
They're everywhere, which is sad considering they aren't supposed to be anywhere. They're a health hazard. They're linked to a deadly form of liver cancer you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy: The five-year survival rate is less than 20 percent.
This is where I'm supposed to give you hope. I'm supposed to tease a solution, something that can rescue you from the black hole of bad news I curb-stomped through the cracks of your brain. I'm supposed to say, Look, I know the hemorrhoids hurt, but I have Preparation H, everything is going to be okay.
I don't have Preparation H.
And so, if you continue reading this, be ready to dance with darkness. Writing this made me sad. Beers were needed. (I hope you have better coping mechanisms.)
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Back in the 1940s, perfluoroalkyl and polyfluoroalkyl substances (PFAS) were manufactured and used in a bunch of different products (cookware, clothing, carpeting, cosmetics, carry-out food containers) to make them grease-proof, water-proof, stick-proof, and stain-resistant.
I wasn't alive back then, but I can imagine PFAS being celebrated like an unmarried man on Maury being told he's not the father. YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE AN ICE SCRAPER TO FREE FRESH FRIED EGGS FROM THE RUSTED CLUTCHES OF YOUR CAST-IRON SKILLET! YOU CAN USE THIS SMOOTH TEFLON-COATED PAN AND FREE THE EGG WITH ONE SMALL SNEEZE!
PFAS changed the game, which is why companies profiting from them kept quiet after finding out they were a potential health hazard in the 1960s. Who cares about elevated cancer rates among the people working in factories fuming with PFAS? THE EGGS DON'T STICK TO THE PAN ANYMORE, MAN.
Today, these studies (and companies' internal memos about using PFAS despite knowing how hazardous they were) are public. The current scientific consensus regarding PFAS ain't pretty, and it's getting worse by the day. As mentioned, as of August 2022, the week I started writing this, a certain PFAS was linked to life-ending liver cancer. Who knew playing with endocrine-disrupting chemicals could be so fun?
With the list of negatives associated with PFAS growing longer than a snake eating its own tail, you'd think there'd be a crackdown against them. The government caught wind of how dangerous they are, and they're putting proper restrictions in place, right? This is like the lead-based paint fiasco. Everything will be okay. TELL ME EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.
Nope.
Now is an excellent time to put the popcorn down (and not just because the microwaveable bag contains PFAS).
There are no laws in the United States requiring manufacturers to warn us that something was made with PFAS. In 2019, the EPA said it'd do nothing to reduce PFAS. To make matters worse, PFAS pollute at every stage of production. The plants manufacturing them (and the products made from them) contaminate the nearby air, water, and soil. Discarded goods made from PFAS end up in landfills. Rainwater pushes PFAS into the soil and nearby water sources. PFAS in everyday products are washed down the drain.
Perhaps this wouldn't be such a big deal if there was a sanitization system in place — a strategy for extracting and eradicating PFAS in circulation.
There isn't.
Most wastewater treatment plants can't remove them, which is probably why there's no legal limit for PFAS in tap water. The advisory level (that's non-enforceable) is 70x higher than what independent studies recommend. That's like a doctor prescribing you medicine and saying, “Don't take more than one pill per day,” and then you responding, “Thanks for the advice, but I'll cap myself at 70 pills per day, thank you very much.”
PFAS are like dust, accumulating in every corner of every room, and, to make matters worse (this phrase sounds familiar), they aren't going anywhere anytime soon. PFAS don't break down, which is why they're also known as “forever chemicals.”
The concentration of PFAS in the world and in our bodies has no choice but to increase for the foreseeable future. Maybe I'll create a company that makes gemstones and engagement rings from forever chemicals. SHOW YOUR PARTNER YOU CARE BY GIFTING HER THE RING THAT'S GUARANTEED TO OUTLIVE HER (BECAUSE IT WILL CONTRIBUTE TO HER PREMATURE DEATH).
I don't know about you, but I'd like to say away from chemicals that are, at minimum, linked to aggressive cancers. This is a tough task. They're in places and products you wouldn't dream of. They're probably in my favorite kind of dental floss, the kind that's 10x smoother and better to use than the old-school cotton kind that feels like you're jamming a nautical rope between your teeth. They're probably in those cool cardboard boxes with shiny insides restaurants often use for takeout food. They're probably on your body right now because so-and-so manufacturer decided to spray them on your clothes for no good reason.
You can't eliminate your exposure to PFAS, but you can reduce your exposure to (and ingestion of) them. And if that's something you're interested in doing, here's a short list of things to consider…
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First, recognize red flags.
Be skeptical of anything that's water, stain, or grease resistant. This includes carpeting, curtains, furniture, bedding, tablecloths, and napkins.
Second, don't let buzzwords fool you.
“Green” and “sustainable” cosmetics often contain PFAS. “Environmentally friendly” takeout containers, wrappers, and boxes often contain PFAS. Some non-stick pans are PFOA-free, but not necessarily PFAS-free. (PFOA is one of many PFAS. Being PFOA-free, but not PFAS-free is like being vodka-free, but not alcohol-free. You're still going to get drunk.)
Third, look at labels.
Few things with PFAS have ingredient labels, but if they do (like makeup), then avoid products containing “perfluor-,” “polyfluor-,” “PTFE,” or Teflon.
Fourth, filter your water.
Only a handful of states (Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania) have limits for PFAS in drinking water. Even if you live in one of these states, you should filter your tap water anyway.
According to a 2020 Duke University study, reverse-osmosis and two-stage filters were best at eliminating PFAS from tap water. (I just bought a Hydroviv.) The same study said the effectiveness of activated-carbon filters was inconsistent and unpredictable.
(Also, when it comes to bottled water, drink “purified” water instead of “spring” water.)
Fifth, harass people or selectively shop.
Message companies you regularly buy things from and ask if some (or all?) of their products contain PFAS. I just did this with Bombas. They replied: “We instruct our suppliers and they agree not to use BPA and/or PFAS in our products, however, at this time, we cannot rule out the possibility of trace amounts of BPA and/or PFAS in our products.”
Alternatively, you can shop at places (like these) with PFAS policies already in place.
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I foresee plenty of lawyer-made infomercials airing on interdimensional television in a few decades: HAVE YOU OR A LOVED ONE BEEN DIAGNOSED LIVER CANCER AFTER TAKING ONE BREATH OF AIR FROM 2022 TO 2034? IF SO, YOU MIGHT BE ENTITLED TO COMPENSATION. I hope I'm wrong. I hope PFAS are like QANON. I hope I stumbled into a dark corner of the internet dedicated to misinformation. I'd be thrilled if this issue makes me look like a quack in a few years.
Also, I know I'm not the best whistleblower for this. I drink more beer than a hobbit. I'm not trying to be the healthiest guy alive, I'm trying to be the healthiest unhealthy guy alive.
Being a health alarmist isn't my style, but the level of stealth with which PFAS travel scares me. I believe the biggest dangers are those we don't (or can't) see coming. Mask mandates to eliminate free speech? Nah. Too obvious. Being engulfed by endocrine-disrupting chemicals large companies have profited off of under our noses for nearly half a century?
Hardly a conspiracy.
It's public.
And it's under our noses.
Probably in them, too.