Wanna know the truth about bananas?
They’re delicious.
(And that’s the truth.)
Which is why I’m waiting in the checkout line with a banana in my hand. (No one is happy to see me.) I’m buying my lunch. Avoiding eye contact. Living up to my reputation as a master introvert.
A stranger walks up to me. She looks at the banana I’m holding. “You know that’s, like, sugar, right?” she says. “Carbs aren’t good for you. Humans don’t need them to survive.”
I stare at her.
Does she realize I’m dead inside?
“Know what else humans don’t need?” I ask.
She looks at me, expecting me to answer my own question. I don’t. I wait. There’s a beat. Her mouth opens. Perfect. Before she responds, I interrupt.
“You,” I say…
in this fictional scenario debuting in my mind as a result of something Iliza Shlesinger once said on an episode of Joe Rogan's podcast:
I was at Starbucks the other day. And I was just running in to grab an espresso shot because I have one every time I work out. And, I go in, and there’s a girl there… and, like, we’re comics. So a big part of our job is sort of scanning people, identifying what they are — making assumptions — because we’re usually right.
So there’s this girl in front of me and she’s standing there holding a snack. And she’s holding her snacks, and I can see that she’s kinda weighing her options.
I see her grab a banana. So, to me, for the most part, when women do that, it is about a dietary thing. You’re trying to lose weight. She looked like she was maybe going to the gym. I don’t know.
So just trying to be a “good girl,” to another girl, I just…’cause I thought she was making, like, a sugar-based decision. I go, “You know bananas are full of sugar.”
Turns out, the banana-wielding chick wasn’t a fan of Iliza’s unsolicited advice. Understandable. I’m sure Iliza would LOVE to have random dudes approach her and give her unsolicited beauty advice. ‘Cause, you know, a big part of a guy’s job is scanning girls, making assumptions about when they're trying to look hot for us and we're usually right. Who better guide her?
Anyway…
Shlesinger saw a random chick buying a banana. She inferred the chick was buying the banana to be healthy. She decided to be a “good girl” and tell the chick that bananas are full of sugar — a backhanded way of saying: you’re about to make an unhealthy choice; eat something else.
Few people have beef with protein (maybe because beef is protein?), whereas everyone seems to have beef carbs and fats.
INSULIN IS EVIL! ANTI-NUTRIENTS! FRUIT IS SUGAR! YOU DON’T NEED CARBS TO SURVIVE!
CHOLESTEROL KILLS! EGGS WILL MAKE YOU DROP DEAD! FAT MAKES YOU, UHHH, FAT?
This is just the beginning of the madness. The list of nutritional controversies is long. One day, coffee causes strokes. The next day, coffee improves your memory. One day, alcohol ages you faster than a banana in a brown paper bag. The next day, having one beer a day increases your longevity.
Quite a confusing tug ‘o war, from the outside looking in. Wanna know how I make sense of all the contradictory information?
I don’t.
Have you ever thought about food? Like, really thought about food? The things you eat become the things you are. The potato casserole your mom ate when you were a fetus formed your skull. Or maybe your mom swallowed some of your dad’s ejaculate when you were a fetus. Your eardrum is your dad’s ejaculate.
And don't forget: there’s acid inside of your stomach that can melt your face on contact.
There are conspiracy theories about the shape of the earth. Why wouldn’t there be crazy theories about carbs, fats, and all things food?
So, yeah… I don’t know.
Here’s what I DO know, though:
First, the Okinawans eat mostly carbs, specifically potatoes. They have one of the longest reported life spans of any culture and they aren’t nearly as fat as most of the carbohydrate conscious.
Second, the Inuits eat mostly fat, specifically whale blubber. They rarely ever get heart disease.
This is why I don’t have the audacity (stupidity?) to condemn carbs or fats from Mother Nature… WITHOUT A VALID MEDICAL BACKBONE.
If your throat swells up and you almost die when you eat bread, you have a robust medical backbone. If you feel sluggish and tired when you eat bread, your medical backbone needs Viagra.
Both carbs and fats are useful.
Fats are essential, meaning we need them to survive, yet we can’t produce them ourselves. In other words, if you don’t eat fats, your body won’t be very happy (or alive, for that matter).
Granted, fats have over twice the energy as an equivalent amount of carbs. It’s easy to overeat fats, which is why I can’t be within a ten-foot radius of pistachios. But this doesn’t make them “evil.”
The primary argument against carbs is that they are non-essential. We don’t need them to survive. True. But this doesn’t mean they can't be useful or they're inherently “dangerous.”
In the late 1930s, Dr. Walter Kempner created the Rice Diet. Many of his patients had high blood pressure and kidney issues. He put them on a strict diet consisting mostly of white rice, fruit, juices, and sugar. In one study of 106 patients, everyone lost at least 99 pounds.
Neither carbs nor fats will prevent you from losing fat.
As long as you're consuming less energy than what your body uses on a regular basis, you will lose fat. Controlling your calorie intake is king. Instead of worrying about macronutrients, worry about food quality instead. Eating potatoes and rice is much different than eating deep-fried Oreos.
May the Gains be with you,
Ant