You should know this: I’m not That Guy. You know… That Guy. That Guy posts shirtless selfies from his yacht alongside barely-legal blonds in bikinis. That Guy oozes fake optimism and positivity so hard he smells like burnt plastic. That Guy made his own pre-workout supplement because the others on the market gave him jitters [...]
You should know this:
I’m not That Guy.
You know… That Guy.
That Guy posts shirtless selfies from his yacht alongside barely-legal blonds in bikinis.
That Guy oozes fake optimism and positivity so hard he smells like burnt plastic.
That Guy made his own pre-workout supplement because the others on the market gave him jitters and he wanted to make a “better one” (even though he barely passed high-school chemistry).
That Guy says defined abs will guarantee success in every aspect of your life: Once you get six-pack pixelated, you’ll finally find your soulmate — the person that wouldn’t have been interested in you before you looked great naked because the only thing you had going for you back then was your personality.
I’m not That Guy.
If you’re looking for That Guy, you won’t like it here.
I’m trying to build an aerodynamic x-shaped body that’s unbreakable, like a tongue. Here are some of the ways I’m making that happen:
1
I eat two meals per day and lose fat effortlessly (when I’m not drinking more beer than a hobbit).
2
I lift heavy things to get externally strong and to build a strong, hard, and resilient body.
3
I do three-dimensional mobilizations and kinetic stretches to get internally strong and to build a rubberized bulletproof body that bends without breaking.
4
I get pantsdrunk because trying to become the best version of yourself is best reserved for insufferable self-absorbed twats.
5
Warm cheese is an abomination. Cheese should always be served cold. Even on nachos. Especially on nachos.
6
Are you familiar with nonsequiturs?
—
If you want more of my hot takes on cold cheese and you want a bird’s eye view of what I’m doing to build the sort of body your former classmates would for sure stalk on social media (served alongside hefty portions of snark and cynicism), then you should sign up for my email newsletter. It’s free. (It’s also subterfuge, but I’m hoping you don’t know what that means.)
You’ll get a few emails from me every week. (I try to send them daily, but I rarely do.)
If you’re terrified of your reflection in the mirror (without needing to say “Bloody Mary” seven times)…
If you’re sick of waking up and feeling like you’ve just been beaten with a sock full of billiards…
If you’re exhausted from swimming through a self-improvement cesspool the last six months…
then my words may have an unspeakable impact on your existence. Or they might not. Who knows?
Don’t miss out.
Or do.
I don’t care.