An incredibly long and barely informative guide to understanding muscle mass (or something)

Muscular gym bros don’t know how many stars are on the American flag, let alone the physiological mechanisms of muscle growth.

But they still build muscle.

You don’t need to know how your insides work in order for them to work. You don’t need to know how your body digests food. You don’t need to know how your body beats your heart.

These things just happen.

And you tend not to consciously think about them until they’re on the verge of killing you.

I’LL EAT WHATEVER I WANT. I’M ONLY GOING TO LIVE ONCE. HOLY SHIT I’M DYING OF A HEART ATTACK INJECT KALE INTO MY VEINS IF I ONLY LIVE ONCE WHY DIDN’T I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AHHHhhHHhhhHHhh

So as much as I want to climb my intellectual mountain and shit on the foreheads of the muscular gym bros, I can’t. But I’m not too depressed because I might be able to shit on yours.

Because, if you’re here, you’re probably not one of ‘dem ‘dere muscular gym bros. I know this because they’re all in the gym. Training. Doing the work. But you aren’t. You’re here. Reading.

Likely paralyzed.

So many choices. What program? Exercises? Sets? Reps? Train to failure? What about tempo?

You can’t make decisions because, unlike Meathead McGee Jones-Jarvis, you have TOO MUCH information in your head. The WRONG kind of information, too.

Have you ever been hungry for nothing?

You’re hungry. You want food. But you don’t know what you want. You can’t pinpoint your craving. You run through every palatable possibility, but you can’t say that “x” food is going to yield “y” satisfaction.

So you do nothing.

That’s what’s happening.

You’re paralyzed because you don’t know which option is best, and you don’t know which option is best because you don’t know how things work.

Finding more options won’t help because a lack options isn’t your problem. Stop looking for the magic program or the ONE EXERCISE TO RULE THEM ALLL AHHAhhsahfdf.

Wipe the shit off your forehead, we have work to do.

Part one

These two things are preventing you from building more muscleeeeee ahhhhhh (insert more fear tactics)

Convincing and foot massages. Energy and expenses. Emo sapiens. Resources and environmental manslaughter. Wildcards and variables.

→ Click here to read Part 1

Part two

Using this TRIGGER is how you CONVINCE your body to build MORE muscle mass oh geez CAPS LOCK sure is FUN and EXCITING

The upside down. Grandma. Fondue. Astronaut. Whiz cheese. Demon gravity women. Weight. Body parts. Huge hand. Kinetic chains. Load. Supergravity.

→ Click here to read Part 2

Part 3

How much WEIGHT do you have to LIFT in order to BUILD muscle?

RPG. Level. Magic spells. Stress. Stasis. Level Up. Nonlinearity. Ceiling. Comfort. Stickiness. Springiness.

→ Click here to read Part 3

Part 4

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Trying to lose fat, build muscle, and build a body you’re proud of?

Maybe you’re a little lost right now.

Maybe you don’t have much motivation.

Maybe you don’t what program or diet to use.

I don’t know…

But what I do know is this:

Everything you need is inside of you.

You’re capable of more than know.

You just have to open your eyes.

My weekly column can help.

Just a small little honest note from me sent every Sunday.

Unless I’m hungover.

And then it comes Monday.

What I’m trying to say is that it’ll come Monday.

(These weekly columns don’t get posted to the site.)

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