I’m in front of the mirror trying on shirt number three. Numbers one and two are soaking in gasoline. I’ll burn them later.
I didn’t like how they looked on me. And I’m not saying this in a fashion sense. I don’t have any fashion sense. I once wore a striped shirt with plaid pants.
So there was nothing about the color of these shirts and how they clashed with my eyes or whatever. I don’t even know what I’m talking about. Is that a thing? Wearing clothes that match your eye color?
The reason why I didn’t like how these shirts looked on me is simple:
They accentuated my moobs.
And this isn’t something someone with a six pack (of abs, not beer) should be saying. But I am. Because, like most men, I have a dominant lower chest. And I hate it. With a pre-contemplative obsessive hate. I wear shirts every day. My feelings are righteous.
I’m still fucking flat bench pressing.
I’ll tell you why. And i’ll also tell you that, if you’re an amalgam of anxiety because of you’re chest proportions, I have some news about the flat bench press that you need to hear.
And I also have a picture of Franco Columbu’s upper chest. MYYYYYYY GAAAAWWDDDDDD.
The bench press news
The story above is true, but it’s not current. I no longer flat bench press. But I can absolutely tell you why I was flat bench pressing back then:
Because everyone else was doing it.
The response I imagine a snobby twelve year old girl giving her father upon being asked why she needs a pair of Uggs.
In other words, with my rationale for bench pressing, I am the manifestation of the sort of human being I want to karate kick in the clavicle.
Why didn’t I open up my high school year book and find the most popular kid in my graduating class in order to get a visceral home hitting punch in the parietal lobe example of the following:
Popular ≠ Useful
But let’s give Mr. Bench Press a chance, shall we?
Why are you popular Mr. Bench Press?
Do you do magical things? Or are you just a shit high school quarterback?
I’ve been told you weren’t always popular. Not long long ago, the big question was, “How much can you press?”
“Press” being short for “overhead press.” Even though there are dozens of different presses, the overhead press was so popular it was just the press. That’s like Harley-Davidson sort of cool. Can you say that about yourself, Mr. Bench Press?
Unfortunately, the overhead press is no longer the press. My cousin, the one that knows the word “fit” only as it relates to decade old denim, isn’t asking me how much I can press when I see him.
Why did the overhead press stop being the press? Was it found to be ineffective? Dangerous with a list of side effects longer than Accutane?
The sport of Olympic weightlifting consists of two events: the snatch and the clean and jerk. But there used to be a third event: the clean and press.
In 1972, the clean and press was dropped from the sport because it got too difficult to judge with all of the excessive lean back techniques that were evolving.
The press was no longer the press, which provided an opening for the bench press — an exercise that just so happens to be contested in the sport of powerlifting.
Bench press and powerlifting
Powerlifting is a sport where athletes compete in the (a) bench press, (b) squat, and (c) deadlift to see who can lift the most weight.
Are you seeing the theme?
It’s the sport, not necessarily the exercise’s utility or effectiveness, that dictates popularity.
Might seem fine until you escape the first world bubble and realize
SPORTS AREN’T REAL
they are games. Games have make-believe rules that us smelly humans just so happen agree upon for the sake of fun and/or competition.
Doing an exercise because it appears in a sport is like regularly getting into fist fights with a chicken because Peter Griffin does.
Why do powerlifters bench?
I suppose we can try to find out why the bench press a contested powerlift, but it doesn’t matter. Because here’s what does matter…
If you want to play the make-believe game that is powerlifting, you need to bench press.
But if you don’t care about powerlifting, exercises are nothing more than tools in a toolbox. Your job is to pick the tools that best serve the job at hand.
Use tools for their utility, not for their popularity.
So, Mr. Bench Press, what utility do you have for someone that’s all in a tizzy over their lackluster upper boobies?
The bench press as a tool
If you’re training aesthetics, there are two things to concern yourself with…
What’s the global effect of the exercise?
What’s the local effect of the exercise?
The first (global) concern can be reduced (for now) into this: is the exercise powerful enough to convince your body to build muscle?
So what about the local effect of the bench press? Bricklayers get calluses on their hands, not the ears.
The bench press is powerful enough to build some calluses, but…
Well, here’s some bench press fizzicks for ya.
Bench press and muscle activation
The angle of the press relative to torso changes muscular activation.
Let’s make a press at 90-degrees relative to torso (perpendicular) our reference point. A press at 90-degrees hits the entire chest pretty well. This is a wash. Muscle activation between upper and lower is about equal.
Go above 90-degrees, and you’re more upper chest, for a bit. (You’ll eventually reach point where the shoulders take most load.) Go below 90-degrees, and you’re more lower chest.
So, two things…
(second one is the kicker)
First, if you consider a flat bench press to be a press at 90-degrees, you’re (at minimum) going to preserve your current unfavorable chest proportions.
Second, the flat bench press done with a lower back arch (which is a common technical practice) is NOT pressing at 90 degrees. It’s pressing below 90 degrees, which shifts the stress to the lower boobies.
You don’t have to say it.
I’ll just encapsulate your emotion with a .gif instead.
Bow-tie on the bench press
You want a bigger upper chest. And, with the current state of your chest, if you build upper chest muscle in a one-to-one ratio with lower chest muscle, you’re still losing. Yet you do an exercise that, at best, will build muscle in said one-to-one ratio.
Makes about as much sense as reading this website if you want to retain any shred of sanity.
So, for my purposes (and most people reading this that aren’t powerlifters or Olympic weightlifters), it’s much better to swallow your ego and, instead, do incline bench pressing.
(You still get to bench press, you can breathe now).
The best incline angle for your upper chest is 30 degrees. Don’t arch your lower back too much. Try keeping neutral spine. Here’s a video.
Higher (45 degrees) is okay, but it’ll be more shoulders and you might struggle to really activate your upper chest.
Upper chest fixes
Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to subtract whatever is contributing to the problem.
And this is an easy thing to do when you accept the reality:
The only valid reason to bench press (if you aren’t a powerlifter) is to qualify status and pecking order without having to pull down your pants.