← 000

What “threatens” your body to get it thinking about spending money on a mafia of muscle?


An astronaut’s body melts like fondue. But, then again, so does a human’s on Earth living in a full body cast. So the threat is really the act of overcoming gravity.

You overcome gravity, your body becomes a solid hunk of havarti. Pair you with 85% (or higher) dark chocolate and a glass of merlot, and I’ll never leave you, baby.

Gravity is an afterthought. Like water to a fish…or so it would seem. I don’t know for sure. My meeting with Princess Ruto inside of Jabu-Jabu’s belly was cancelled.

So imagine your friends turning you into a marionette doll. They drill holes in every one of your joints and loop strings through. But only instead of pulling up on the strings, they just hang. You have a friend hanging from every rope, stapling you to the floor.

This is gravity on Earth.

(On Jupiter, patients at obesity clinics hang from the strings. Don’t go to Jupiter.)

You have two choices: succumb or overcome.

If you succumb, you’re like the astronaut. Or Gertrue in hospice care.

But if you overcome, if you resist the downward pull of the ropes, a trigger pulls inside of you that relays a signal:

“CODE RED. THREAT ACTIVATED. If you can keep up with the mechanisms, gears, and levers allowing me to move, that’d be grrrreeeaattt. Also, I need those TPS reports on my desk by tomorrow.”


But do you have the resources?

The right kind of food?
Enough sleep?
Lack of other stressors?
The right hormones?

If yes, all is good.

If no, go ahead and Google “Nazi prisoner of war” and then proceed to act like your problems actually matter. Bunch of guys moving and swinging axes, trigger happy as all hell, relaying signals to the heavens, but…

…not enough resources.

The limited resources these folks do have go to more important functions, like beating your heart and inflating your lungs.

002 →

Trying to lose fat, build muscle, and build a body you’re proud of?

Maybe you’re a little lost right now.

Maybe you don’t have much motivation.

Maybe you don’t what program or diet to use.

I don’t know…

But what I do know is this:

Everything you need is inside of you.

You’re capable of more than know.

You just have to open your eyes.

My weekly column can help.

Just a small little honest note from me sent every Sunday.

Unless I’m hungover.

And then it comes Monday.

What I’m trying to say is that it’ll come Monday.

(These weekly columns don’t get posted to the site.)

Comments on this entry are closed.